stuck and don’t know what to do

You know when you are going through something so heavy you run to google in hopes there’s an article somewhere telling you exactly what you need to do. You find nothing so you add “reddit” at the end of your search bar. Even then depending on your situation, the answers are broad or too unrealistic for you to do. Or you see quotes about everything you need is already within you. That’s bullshit. You want to know how to find it within you, you want to know what can you do right now to dissipate the discomfort. Whether it's fear of making the wrong choice, feeling overwhelmed because there are too many directions pulling at you. Whether it's grief, mourning a life you knew before and not knowing what it looks like next. Or the next move isn't even yours to make. Or you're just exhausted.

I’ve shared before that I am strict with myself.  When I say strict, I don’t mean hard. I am strict in how I take care of myself. Which means carrying myself through hard times not beating myself through them. I’ve tried everything. I’ve devoted my life to spirituality, I’ve spoken to professionals, I’ve gone as far as to changing my major in college to engulf myself in studying the human brain. I’ve viewed my problems from an emotional viewpoint, logical, scientific, analytical. I’ve gone lengths to find the answers and at the end of the day with all of the knowledge I accumulated, I still felt as if I did not know what to do. The root of this feeling was not that I did not know, it was that I did not feel confident enough in my ability to successfully challenge my circumstances. I will say it again: it was not a knowledge issue, it was a confidence issue. I had an answer for everything. When I began viewing it from that standpoint, I could challenge myself by literally asking “Well do you believe you’re incapable?” I can’t even picture myself answering yes.

I can so I will. Enough of that I cannot. There are enough opposing forces in the world for you to not at least be a friend to yourself. You can either succeed or learn what not to do. You will fail. That is also evidence. If you do nothing then you have no evidence to show yourself that you are capable of doing in the first place. You are reaffirming the belief that you are incapable. That's all you need to build your confidence. Evidence that you can. The search feels productive but it is its own form of avoidance. You are moving but not forward.

When I first began sharing my writing, all I had was an idea and my laptop. I wanted my poetry to all read elusive. There were plenty Instagram accounts that shared poetry so I studied them to figure out my own layout. Picture, poem, picture poem. I knew I wanted them to stand out from the classic typography posts, I got creative with graphic design; a hobby I picked up when I was younger. Now I had something to use this skill for. All of the Youtube videos I watched about branding yourself as a writer mentioned having a website so I made a Wordpress. Eventually I learned coding and brand building to create a distinctive look for my brand. It took a lot of changing directions until I found one that made me feel the most fulfilled. When it was time for me to face myself, the biggest obstacle in life we face, I was steadfast. This is because my sadness became difficult to hide, I did not like the reality of those I loved viewing me as weary or too angry. I was never supposed to be that person. Before I could afford therapy I watched Youtube videos and read books like Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab and Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst. I even changed my major. I couldn’t ask the people around me, they were too comfortable or it was too much. I felt stuck because I was terribly attached to those who kept me in this fawn state. This took me years of letting go and learning new things. You have to know what you deserve and fight for it ruthlessly. No one else will do it for you. You will have to let go.

Each time you move anyway you are building the only proof that ever mattered. That you can. The scariest thing is looking up years from now and realizing you never moved. You already know what to do.